eyes's Blog

Well - my brother is thinking about proposing to his girlfriend. He is just waiting to get a job and save enough money for a nice ring. And my best friend, who I also call my brother, has a new girlfriend - and the weird part is that I like this one.

I really am happy for them, or at least I want to be.

I don't know if it is the time of year or what, but the feeling of loneliness is building inside me.

I really hate this time of year.

Well, I did it. It scares me half to death to try new medications, but I felt like it needed to be done. I started anxiety medications this morning. So far, I'm tired and have a headache, but don't know if that has anything to do with the pills, although both are potential side effects (of nearly every medication).

My parents and my friends know I am on the medication, so they know if anything changes my behavior too much. They also know that if that happens, I need to quit the medication immediately, regardless of "warnings" about just stopping the medications.

I am hoping it will help with my social anxiety and help me reduce my normal stress levels.

Wish me luck.

On th4e flip side, the doctors visit itself did not help my stress. I have to get them to send my records to a different doctor (specialist) because I need one. They seemed upset I would go to a specialist - offered just to write me the prescription for the meds I need.... a prescription they have refused to write me for the past several years, insisting I would benefit from the synthetic form more. That one never did a darn thing for me, and they previously told me no one was allowed to write new prescriptions for it and other untruths. The only reason I keep going to this GP is that my insurance is a pain in the arse about switching GPs. I'm going to be looking for a new one now. That was not the first argument I've gotten into with the doctors who took over my beloved family clinic. (This may be what caused the headache - lol - see why?)

So, technically, she is my sister. Not that we have ever been sisters.

I don't feel anything for her. But I have empathy for her. I feel horrible that it doesn't really matter to me. I thought it didn't really matter to her either. I found out otherwise the other day - and I feel like somehow, her anxiety is my fault. I just can't imagine caring that much about someone I've never met, someone who means nothing to me. I hate our birthmother, have since before my nasty little run ins with her. My birthsister, on the other hand, defends her and her choices.I want nothing to do with my birthfamily, because they aren't family. My birthsister seems to feel like part of her is missing.I'm confused, because I empathize with her, the same as I do anyone else. I think part of me wishes I thought of her as a sister... but I never have. I don't think I can - nor do I want to.

We had completely different lives. She frets over the little bad things in her life, and I don't think she has ever really been exposed to the big bad things out there - whereas, I've lived a lot of them.

I don't like feeling guilt for something that isn't my fault, for something I can't fix.

But I feel compelled to try - because if you think about it - I'm the only true blood she has, and that is what she wants to know. If I abandon her.... there is no one else.

Well, I just got the invite for my reunion. I'm not entirely sure I want to go. I don't have any real friends left there, they showed their true colors after high school. I don't like most of the people I went to school with in the first place. I don't deal well with people in general. But everyone keeps telling me I should go - it "could be fun". ugh. I wish they hadn't tracked me down - it would have kept me from having to make a decision.

I don't want to revisit all of that drama. I don't even know if I could deal with it. I mean, one of my friends dumped years of friendship because I "wouldn't admit" that I'm gay. The problem is, I'm not friggin gay. But he doesn't believe me. narrow minded jackass.

There is nothing there for me.

This site is anonymous - or is supposed to be.

I find comfort in that. But lately, I've been wondering why I want it so anonymous. No one on here even knows my name. I've never talked to anyone on the phone, never showed pictures - nothing. I am terrified of people finding out who I am. My name is as anonymous as you can get - even a google search doesn't pull up my stories (which is why I never changed my name).

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to let anyone really know me, here or anywhere else. I'm afraid to get emotionally invested in any kind of relationship - platonic or otherwise. I'm afraid that people will see the monster hiding inside me, and think that is who I am. I'm afraid it is who I am.

I'm not just hiding my identity from people here - I am hiding it from the world - from my friends - my family - myself.

I don't want to be invisible, I want to not exist. I want to be gone, to not have left a mark on the world. And yet, I am compelled to try to help other people - which doesn't work so well because I try not to form connections with anyone. I try to be that shadow of a memory - not important enough to take any definition.

I'm moving, and I'm going through a lot of old stuff. I ran across some of my old writing, and while I never share my old stuff for fear of discovery, I don't think this one was ever widely viewed or published, and it's so appropriate for the forums.

 

It's not a hard story to tell

But it is a hard story to hear

You learn where

the awes

the I'm-so-sorries

the you're-stronger-than-I-am's

hide

People ask the questions

they really don't want the answers to

They blink back pitiful tears

tell you if you ever want to really talk....

talking makes you feel better

But you don't

talk about it

feel better talking about it

and you know

they really don't want to hear it.

I check things here. I read things here.

I'm not really comfortable posting here on EP anymore.

I still talk to some people. I still care about a lot of people here.

People are ruining it for me.

OK, so I'm doing a favor for a friend of mine. Their forum is clogged with poorly written stories that are outside of the limits they set. They got behind in moderating them, and need someone who reads fast and with a good eye to get rid of the stuff that is inappropriate. I'm happy to help.

I also want to bash my brains out with a rock. These people cannot friggin write, but everyone keeps sending comments telling them how wonderful they are and encouraging them to write more crap.

Most of it isn't against the set guidelines, so I can't recommend for it to be thrown out, but dear god, use spell check, have a buddy read the story to make sure it is coherent, don't use the same names 15 other people already used to post stories.

The good news is i've gotten through about 40 of them and only had to recommend 2 to go. The bad news is that there are over 800 of them (I'm no good at math, so I could be wrong, but not too far off) and more and more every day.

Don't we have any friggin standards anymore?!?

i feel a bit better. back to reading more crap.

Well, its that time of year again folks. Time for my mother to try to guilt trip her non-Christian daughter into going to church.

Here is how the scenario plays out.

a) Daughter refuses to go through the ordeal of going to church, mom acts hurt and pouts for weeks

b) daughter feels guilty, goes to church, manages to piss her mom off for not immediately realizing the mistake she has made and converting, and mom is pissed off for weeks

We do this every freaking year. I quit even humoring her, because no matter what I do, it doesn't make her happy. She is either going to be disppointed, or angry and disappointed.

The sheer magnitude of what she is asking doesn't seem to sink in. First, she wants me to get up early on the one day I get to sleep in. Second, she wants me to "dress nice" which means a dress... which is torture in my book. Third, it means being around people I don't know, and probbly don't really want to know. Fourth, it means having to listen to what I consider to be non-sense for an hour and a half, an argument about communion, and be expected to sit quietly and pretend to be Christian so I won't embarrass her with my whole "I don't believe in the Christian God" schtick.

Then she will probably want us to stick around so I can meet the pastor, get lectured by him. By the time we leave, I'm frustrated, pissed off, and I don't even want to talk to my mother for putting me through it, which is fine, because she doesn't really want to talk to me either.

 

Why can't she just fucking drop it?

 

I love her, and I would do almost anything for her. But this... this really hurts me more than she gets. Its not about inconveniencing me. It is about trying to force a square peg into a round hole. It hurts that she doesn't accept me for who I am, that on some level she thinks I'm a bad person for not following her beliefs. It hurts that I can't change to be who she wants me to be.

So this year, like last year, I am going to spend the next few weeks crying because I know I disappointed my mom again.

Its like salt in a wound. I know I'm not what they wanted. I know I'm not good enough. I can't be. I can't be something I'm not, someone I'm not.

Extraversion |||||||||| 33% Stability |||||||||| 36% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 76% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious |||||||||||| 50% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||| 30% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||| 23% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Self absorbed |||||| 30% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50%

Romantic |||||| 23% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||| 30% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 76% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||| 50% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical fitness || 10% Histrionic |||||||||||| 43% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Vanity |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Indie |||||||||||||| 60%

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:

introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual



can't say its not accurate

Actually, I want to learn how to be less reserved.



I know I can do it, I have been like that before... umm... it was a chemically attained state... but I still did it.



The only advice I've ever gotten on the subject is just do it, just say it blah. They never help me figure out how to deal with the panic I feel. I am always so afraid that I am going to really (and almost immediately) regret what I've done or said, that I don't do anything. I hide the impulses.



I don't know how to interact with other people, to tell if I'm doing good, or if people are straining just to humor me. I am painfully aware of everything I do and say (for the most part) and of everything going on around me, but I interpret it all wrong.



There are conversations I would love to join, but an too awkward to do so, groups I would love to join, but am too embarrassed to do so.



I am so frustrated, because I want so badly to make progress, and instead I feel like I'm backsliding.

I think I'm going to have to start pulling down some of my stories. I made the mistake of mentioning the site (not by name) to a co-worker, and he asked about it. I flat out told him I wouldn't give him the name of the site, but he was welcome to try to find it himself. Now I am paranoid he will find it, and he will figure out who I am.

I am fighting the urge to panic and leave the site, only because I still think its a good outlet for me. However, I'm not sur I can resist the urge to take down some of the stuff that is either more easily identifiable, or is too embarassing for a co-worker to know.

I'm kind of torn, because I don't want to have to hide who I am on a site where I feel like I'll eventually open up and be able to share the stuff that kills me inside, but I don't know what I would do if anyone ever found out this was me.

 

any advice?

So i haven't been around for the last few days because 1) i've been insanely busy and 2) things have been going fairly well.

Today was my birthday... or is rather maybe.

Yesterday was awesome. My parents and I had plans to re-institute my favorite birthday restaurant tradition, but we got there, and we would have had to park like a mile away and walk, which is bad with a handicapped mom, and my bad knees, and there was no way we were going to make dad walk all that way alone. So instead of my favorite restaurant, we went to this little dive bar that serves the best oysters and po'boys on earth. We just sat around and talked and laughed. For a few minutes there, I actually felt happy.

Then came today - my actual birthday.

I slept late, and when I did get up, I played video games ands just relaxed. Then mom calls and needs me to get up and take care of my brother's stupid dog, who I dislike, and do some other things because dad decided she had to trade in her care and get a new one and they were stuck somewhere doing paperwork. It didn't ruin my day though.

Then, some of my friends decided to take me out for my birthday. I drove out to their house (married couple, their 6 year old daughter). When I got there another friend of ours was waiting. So after convincing the 6 year old she likes the restaurant I picked, we set off. All through dinner, I just didn't talk much. I was stupidly uncomfortable - with my friends. One on one I'm fine, but with 3 of them sitting there... I was just nervous. The married couple is telling us this weird story about when she pushed him out of the shower, and it makes me really uncomfortable that they are so comfortable talking about that. It didn't help that all through dinner the husband was teasing me about some of my more idiosyncratic quirks, which he find just weird - like the fact that I don't like butter, and I don't use sugar in my tea. I deal with it, because I know he doesn't mean anything by it.

After dinner we went back to the house, where there ferret (which I didn't know they had) ran up my pants leg. Did I mention that I am terrified of ferrets? The husband proceeds to spend the rest of the night randomly trying to convince me that being afraid of ferrets is stupid - regardless of the fact that I keep telling him I know its irrational, but that I have been afraid of them since I was attacked by one as a small child.

We play Wii bowling. I start off doing pretty well. The whole time everyone else is laughing and joking around, and I just feel out of place. Then the ottoman somehow slides, catches me across the shins, and I fall on it, and everyone is laughing. I laugh too, and I'm not embarrassed that I fell, but I can't get it out of my head that they are laughing at me, instead of with me. I kept having to fight off a panic attack.

I get more and more and more depressed as the night goes on. I am loath to admit, but it kills me to see them together and having fun like that. They all seemed so happy and close, and I felt like an outsider. The little girl usually attaches herself to me when I go over there, but tonight she was attached out our friend instead, because he is more fun.

Even though I was surrounded by good friends, people who I know do care about me - I felt so pathetically alone.

I should have made up an excuse to not go... but I was hoping it would be okay.

Instead, I'm sitting here wishing I just never existed. Its not suicidal, I don't believe I could do that. I just wish I wasn't, tat I never was.

I don't feel like i belong here or anywhere else.



No matter the efforts I make, i always feel like I'm on the outside, not even allowed to look in.



I'm not good at making friends, but I was hoping maybe it would be different here. Some people have reached out, and I appreciate it more than I can say - but I see other people that have formed real connections here, and part of my is jealous because I don't think I can form connections like that.



I know, logically, that real connections take time. I still can't shake the feeling that I'll never be able to fit in though. I'm still too reserved, although I have made efforts to step outside my comfort zone. I feel really weird about those posts and it takes everything I have not to go delete them. I'm not sure if its worse to have no one respond to them, or to have responses. I'd like for them to go ignored I guess, but I think validation is more important.



Its this battle raging in my head. You can always tell which side is winning. Some says I'll make a lot of posts, because I can. Other days, it would almost kill me to make a post, although I am proud of how well I have kept up with my PM's here - when I have them.



I know I don't see the whole story - that there are probably a lot of people like me out there, but once again, logic does not win.



I have to fight not to just disappear with no warning. I only stay because I still really hope that this place will help.



For now though, I still really feel like I don't belong, like I'm an intruder, a party crasher, or maybe an unwelcome house guest, and everyone is just too polite to say anything or to tell me to shut up when I do get brave and make posts.  If I am going to learn how to connect, I need help, I need coaching, but I feel like such an idiot having to ask how  to talk to other people.



Right now I really want a drink and a cigarette. I want to give up on really fixing things and just gloss over them with a drug induced haze. At least then I'm too wasted to realize what a fool I am to even try.