anonymous | eyes's Blog

This site is anonymous - or is supposed to be.

I find comfort in that. But lately, I've been wondering why I want it so anonymous. No one on here even knows my name. I've never talked to anyone on the phone, never showed pictures - nothing. I am terrified of people finding out who I am. My name is as anonymous as you can get - even a google search doesn't pull up my stories (which is why I never changed my name).

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to let anyone really know me, here or anywhere else. I'm afraid to get emotionally invested in any kind of relationship - platonic or otherwise. I'm afraid that people will see the monster hiding inside me, and think that is who I am. I'm afraid it is who I am.

I'm not just hiding my identity from people here - I am hiding it from the world - from my friends - my family - myself.

I don't want to be invisible, I want to not exist. I want to be gone, to not have left a mark on the world. And yet, I am compelled to try to help other people - which doesn't work so well because I try not to form connections with anyone. I try to be that shadow of a memory - not important enough to take any definition.