B-day Blues | eyes's Blog

So i haven't been around for the last few days because 1) i've been insanely busy and 2) things have been going fairly well.

Today was my birthday... or is rather maybe.

Yesterday was awesome. My parents and I had plans to re-institute my favorite birthday restaurant tradition, but we got there, and we would have had to park like a mile away and walk, which is bad with a handicapped mom, and my bad knees, and there was no way we were going to make dad walk all that way alone. So instead of my favorite restaurant, we went to this little dive bar that serves the best oysters and po'boys on earth. We just sat around and talked and laughed. For a few minutes there, I actually felt happy.

Then came today - my actual birthday.

I slept late, and when I did get up, I played video games ands just relaxed. Then mom calls and needs me to get up and take care of my brother's stupid dog, who I dislike, and do some other things because dad decided she had to trade in her care and get a new one and they were stuck somewhere doing paperwork. It didn't ruin my day though.

Then, some of my friends decided to take me out for my birthday. I drove out to their house (married couple, their 6 year old daughter). When I got there another friend of ours was waiting. So after convincing the 6 year old she likes the restaurant I picked, we set off. All through dinner, I just didn't talk much. I was stupidly uncomfortable - with my friends. One on one I'm fine, but with 3 of them sitting there... I was just nervous. The married couple is telling us this weird story about when she pushed him out of the shower, and it makes me really uncomfortable that they are so comfortable talking about that. It didn't help that all through dinner the husband was teasing me about some of my more idiosyncratic quirks, which he find just weird - like the fact that I don't like butter, and I don't use sugar in my tea. I deal with it, because I know he doesn't mean anything by it.

After dinner we went back to the house, where there ferret (which I didn't know they had) ran up my pants leg. Did I mention that I am terrified of ferrets? The husband proceeds to spend the rest of the night randomly trying to convince me that being afraid of ferrets is stupid - regardless of the fact that I keep telling him I know its irrational, but that I have been afraid of them since I was attacked by one as a small child.

We play Wii bowling. I start off doing pretty well. The whole time everyone else is laughing and joking around, and I just feel out of place. Then the ottoman somehow slides, catches me across the shins, and I fall on it, and everyone is laughing. I laugh too, and I'm not embarrassed that I fell, but I can't get it out of my head that they are laughing at me, instead of with me. I kept having to fight off a panic attack.

I get more and more and more depressed as the night goes on. I am loath to admit, but it kills me to see them together and having fun like that. They all seemed so happy and close, and I felt like an outsider. The little girl usually attaches herself to me when I go over there, but tonight she was attached out our friend instead, because he is more fun.

Even though I was surrounded by good friends, people who I know do care about me - I felt so pathetically alone.

I should have made up an excuse to not go... but I was hoping it would be okay.

Instead, I'm sitting here wishing I just never existed. Its not suicidal, I don't believe I could do that. I just wish I wasn't, tat I never was.