i don't belong | eyes's Blog

I don't feel like i belong here or anywhere else.



No matter the efforts I make, i always feel like I'm on the outside, not even allowed to look in.



I'm not good at making friends, but I was hoping maybe it would be different here. Some people have reached out, and I appreciate it more than I can say - but I see other people that have formed real connections here, and part of my is jealous because I don't think I can form connections like that.



I know, logically, that real connections take time. I still can't shake the feeling that I'll never be able to fit in though. I'm still too reserved, although I have made efforts to step outside my comfort zone. I feel really weird about those posts and it takes everything I have not to go delete them. I'm not sure if its worse to have no one respond to them, or to have responses. I'd like for them to go ignored I guess, but I think validation is more important.



Its this battle raging in my head. You can always tell which side is winning. Some says I'll make a lot of posts, because I can. Other days, it would almost kill me to make a post, although I am proud of how well I have kept up with my PM's here - when I have them.



I know I don't see the whole story - that there are probably a lot of people like me out there, but once again, logic does not win.



I have to fight not to just disappear with no warning. I only stay because I still really hope that this place will help.



For now though, I still really feel like I don't belong, like I'm an intruder, a party crasher, or maybe an unwelcome house guest, and everyone is just too polite to say anything or to tell me to shut up when I do get brave and make posts.  If I am going to learn how to connect, I need help, I need coaching, but I feel like such an idiot having to ask how  to talk to other people.



Right now I really want a drink and a cigarette. I want to give up on really fixing things and just gloss over them with a drug induced haze. At least then I'm too wasted to realize what a fool I am to even try.