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I was just struck by a horrible horrible thought

When I was four, I asked my Great-grandmother if I could go to church with her and the boys one Sunday. She looked at me and said "Whores are not allowed in church." Then she walked away. I had to ask my mom what a whore was. That was not a fun conversation.

I know she believed what she said was true. When I was just 4 years old, she thought I was a whore.

The horrible thought is that the uncle who started raping me when I was 3 spent a helluva lot of time with her. I wonder if her influence was the catalyst for what he did to me. I wonder if she knew what he did to me.

I knew she was a horrible woman. She made me sleep in the closet when my parents weren't there. She beat me if she caught me playing with toys, even the dogs' toys. One of the boys shared a piece of his chocolate easter bunny with me once and she caught me with it and beat me, accused me of stealing. Now that I think about it, I wonder if that is why I don't like chocolate?

I swear she died on Christmas just to make it miserable for us.

But the idea that she instigated or caused what happened to me....

Posted by eyes at 05:10 on November 11th, 2007 at 5:10AM

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eyes	Posted on 05:25AM on Nov 11th, 2007 I've dealt with the worst of it, I think. It was just a random idea and association that got made tonight. I hate the idea that anyone could be that venomous.
TheTardyDodo	Posted on 06:48AM on Nov 11th, 2007 It does seem like that would be the an unusual sequence of events? Far more likely that she found out about his actions, and she blamed you for what he did, judged you for it. Perhaps her twisted perception underpinned some of her (vile) behaviour towards you?
eyes	Posted on 02:18PM on Nov 11th, 2007 She treated all girls very very badly. I just spent a lot more time there so I got a lot more of the bad treatment. My parents never knew how it was, because she almost worshiped my dad and brother, and when they were around, I was allowed to sleep on the floor by the bed, not in the closet. When she died, the boys in the family were sad, because they thought she was a wonderful person, but the girls in the family... well, we weren't nearly as upset as they were.
imaginethat	Posted on 07:17AM on Nov 12th, 2007 Ohh.. that outrages me. It makes me hate self righteous people. Well, my grandfather is an egotestical maniac. He's did such horrible things, and now he is torturing my mother and family further by refusing to go into a nursing home. He sits on his thrown in is small little town with his small little thoughts. Oh I'm so sorry, I'm seeing red. I guess I harbor a lot of rage toward someone that has no respect for my thoughts or my abilities as a human being. Some people are so horrible that they don't deserve to breathe oxygen. Okay I've cooled down now. I hope you get redeemed for what happened to you. Screw them. I guess I deal with it with anger in my heart and a smile on my face. We are beautiful on the inside and they are black souls that think they deserve heaven.
glorygirl	Posted on 08:30PM on Nov 12th, 2007 I don't know what to say after reading this. Pure evil, and exposed to it so early in life. I do hope you have healed or will heal for the injustice you have endured. I truly cannot say, I would, but would pray that I could.
eyes	Posted on 08:47PM on Nov 12th, 2007 I'm not sure anything will ever really heal me. I am proud to say that for the most part I am past all of the rage and hatred, which is a huge step. I don't know if I will ever be able to understand people like that, but I make a real effort to try. Maybe one day we can figure it out and help them get help before they hurt innocents.
TheTardyDodo	Posted on 08:57PM on Nov 12th, 2007 Just thinking about what you said about how she treated all the girls poorly, but venerated the men, it seems to me even more likely that she found out about his actions and blamed you for them, rather than being the instigator. After all, in her mind, how could a man possibly do something wrong; surely it must have been something the female did? (Obviously that is intensely irrational, but isn't that the nature of prejudice? And clearly, prejudice against females was something she had in spades).
glorygirl	Posted on 09:03PM on Nov 12th, 2007 Excellent evaluation Tardy. Once saw a social worker deal with a mother & father who would have nothing to do with their very own daughter. Why, her brother had viciously raped her? Cannot figure it for the life of me. So very evil, so very sad, so very unjust.
eyes	Posted on 09:34PM on Nov 12th, 2007 That part of my life complicates things, but it isn't what makes things so difficult right now. And I'm not looking for excuses for my uncle or my cousin, but I cannot understand for the life of me how anyone could do such a thing. In a lot of ways though, my cousin was also a victim of abuse. I don't think he would have ever done what he did to me if he had not been taught. I'm not sure my great grandmother necessarily taught my uncle his behavior, but I'm sure she taught him 2 things - his attitude about women, and his attitude about me. I was not family, I was an outsider. Somehow she accepted my brother as family though - even though he isn't blood to her either. Something is messed up though. My uncle, and his cousin were both abusive towards me - and both spent an undue amount of time with her. My cousin only became part of the deal after my uncle taught him how to hurt me. I have no doubt that her attitude about women has a lot to do with my abuse.
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