why should anyone be my friend? | eyes's Blog

i am a bad friend

i rarely call the people i care about, rarely e-mail them, or even send them txt messages

i have never been comfortable initiating any contact, even when i know the person would be happy to hear from me

i get this paranoid feeling deep down inside me that they really don't want to hear from me, that they merely tolerate me, and that my calls (and indeed my existence) is nothing more than an annoyance they are forced to deal with

i don't call when i need something, i don't call for the holidays.... i only call when an alarm goes off in my brain and tells me there is something wrong, and that they need someone to yell at or vent to, and i am almost always right when i do finally make the calls... but i don't call to try to stop them from getting to that point.... heck, i don't feel comfortable leaving whiteboard messages, or sending gifts or messages or gestures here in EP unless it is a reciprocation

that makes me a bad friend



i always feel so selfish and self-centered when i think about myself and try to analyze things and figure out why i do something, or how i can change myself... because i feel that way, when i talk to other people i focus almost entirely on their problems and helping them

i don't like talking about my own problems, and i feel weird doing so here in EP

i came here to try to get help, to talk through my problems and force myself to deal with them, but every time i share a story i feel more and more horrible about myself, like thats all i think about



i read other stories, a lot of them, but i don't comment very often because i feel so out of place and like i do not belong, even tho everything tells me that that is wrong



i hate being like that because it really does make me feel like a bad person, but i know, on a technical level, that dealing with my own problems (or trying to) is a good thing.... i just can't bring myself to completely believe it



i know that making comments on other people's stories is a good thing, that it validates them and their experiences and lets them know they are not alone, ad i hate myself for being so weird about leaving those comments



i don't know why anyone would even want to talk to me if i'm this screwed up